Celebrations Studios

Something that has been on my mind for a while now is how I will go about showing River the concept of sharing. It’s had me curious, and after asking experienced mums the general vibe seems to be that kids will do what they want regardless.

I have only just picked up my book The Aware Baby where I had left it, toddlers! That’s where we are headed… Exciting!!!

Anyhow, it answered my question beautifully, and has me enthusiastic about our times ahead.

I thought I would share, as it may be something that really connects with you too. To me, this book is a MUST HAVE resource for all parents. I’m about to get her other titles in the mail soon!

Funnily enough, I discovered it before NVC and now reading back over it; realize that Aletha uses the same principals with her suggestions. How wonderful, I am on a path that really resonates with me by meeting my parenting needs of compassion and connection rather then punishment and reward.

I now know what I want to do with my social mama & babe time! I seem to be floating a little with mama groups, not sure what I am needing from the experience. So, putting it out there – I am hoping for a regular play date where we can guide our babes like the story below and really make this time worthwhile

The Aware Baby extract:

“In western industrialized cultures, the concept of ownership is very strong, and we unconsciously teach this to our children every time we give them a present and make it clear that it belongs to them. Because of this, they learn the value of their possessions, and we should not be surprised when they hold onto their toys tightly. If you force your toddler to share her toys, this may only make her more possessive and resistant. The most helpful thing we can do is to respect her possessiveness, but let her know how the other child is feeling. To avoid disputes some parents keep a supply of special “sharing toys” and bring them out when another child visits. When your child is old enough, another solution is to discuss with her ahead of time which toys she will be willing to share with a friend who is coming to play with her.

In general, there I’d no need to intervene immediately when two toddlers fight over a toy. However if the dispute continues for very long, if they are physically hurting each other, or if they ask for help, you can act as a mediator and reflect back each child’s feelings, while allowing them to release their anger and frustration by crying.

This will help them to learn to understand each others feelings. Here is an example:

Sammy had a small toy zebra. Betty grabbed it out of his hand. Sammy began to cry and went to his mother. She held him and said “it makes you sad and angry when Betty takes a toy away doesn’t it?” Sammy looked at the zebra in Betty’s hand and cried some more. His mother said “Betty wants to play with it too. You both want the zebra.” Then she said to Betty, “Sammy is crying because you took the zebra from him. He wants to play with it.” Betty looked at Sammy and clutched the zebra tighter saying, “Betty want zebra.” The mother said “Yes, you want to play with the zebra. You both want it. Will you let Sammy know when you are done playing with the zebra?” After a while, Betty saw another toy and dropped the zebra. Sammy picked it up.

In this example, the mother did not solve the problem for the toddlers or preach about the virtues of sharing. Instead, she acted as a sounding board, reflecting back each child’s feelings. Although this does not appear to accomplish anything immediately, if you use this approach, your child will gradually begin to develop her own strategies for getting along with other children. She will also learn empathy at an early age because a toddler who has fully experienced what it feels like to have a toy taken away will eventually begin to understand what another child feels in a similar situation.

My son went through several stages while learning to share. He played with another toddler several times a week, and we adults handled each dispute through mediation, by reflecting back each child’s feelings and needs. We also tried to be good role models for polite, sharing behavior.  When the two boys were between the ages of one and tow years, they tried different strategies. First, they simply held onto toys tightly and turned away from the other. Then they began to say “no” to each other. Eventually they learned to offer each other toys in attempts to trade. Finally, they began to ask each other verbally for toys, rather then grab them.

By the time these boys were tow-and-a-half years old their disputes had decreased considerably. They began to share spontaneously and to take turns, even saying “please” and “thank you” to each other! It is unlikely that such mature interpersonal behavior would have emerged so early if someone else had always imposed a solution on them. Because they were not interfered with and allowed to release their anger during conflicts, they were able to become aware of their own and each others feelings. As a result, they learned to understand another person’s point of view and the concept of sharing at an early age. With this kind of support, we can trust babies to become thoughtful and altruistic of their own accord.

The Aware Baby by Aletha J. Solter Ph.D.

The Aware Parenting Institute: http://www.awareparenting.com/books.htm